Introduction [Giselle stands off to the side, stage left, standing in front of a microphone. The curtain behind her remains closed.] Giselle: A story is only as good as the person who wrote it. But truth be told, actors are the ones that bring the show to life. They're the ones that the audience notices. A person may write a good story, but it's the actor's job to make sure their story remains good when they perform it. Tonight, the skit you are about to see... was written by six individuals whose writing skills are on par with those of the entire hamster ensemble of 'Hamtaro.' (A few laughs can be heard from the crowd.) Giselle: (winks) Let's hope their performance tonight proves that they can act better than the play suggests. For your entertainment, here are Kiyone, Jessie, Roger, Faye, Mondo, and Roger, in "Saddle the Secret." [The audience claps as Giselle walks off the stage, microphone in hand, and the curtains open behind her.] Act 1 Scene 1 [As the curtain opens and the lights come up, Mondo, dressed in his normal clothes except for the cowboy boots on his feet, can be seen sitting in a chair on the left side of the stage, behind a wooden desk. A makeshift window made of a cardboard frame and plastic representing the glass itself sits on top of the desk. Next to Mondo are three white plastic grocery bags, each with the Japanese yen sign on it.] [On the right side of the stage is a set of old Western saloon doors with wheels attached to the bottom.] Mondo: (without looking at the audience) What an ordinary day for the 1st National Bank of Baggerville. This small town, with a population of 21, is used to peaceful days like this. [Mondo then opens the desk drawer and pulls out a roll of coins, which he shows to the audience. He then slams it down on the edge of the table, cutting the roll into two unequal pieces. Tearing off what remained of the paper wrapper, he empties the coins onto the table and starts to count them out aloud.] Mondo: One, two, three, four, five... ooh, a ten yen coin! What's that doing in here? (Mondo blatantly throws it out into the front row of the audience, where a few select members scramble for it... only to find out that it was only a single yen coin.) Mondo: The things some people do for money. (The audience laughs at the money-hungry fools in the front row.) [Mondo resumes his counting. But soon enough, the sound of his counting is overshadowed by the noise of hooves clickety-clacketing from off-stage. Mondo ignores the sound as the clickety-clacketing is replaced by the sound of horses skidding to a stop and their riders telling them to 'whoa!'] Mondo: (being heard again) Thirty-eight, thirty-nine, thirty and ten... [The doors then swing open. One at a time, three women, all dressed in cowboy duds, walk on from off-stage. The first happens to be Chi-Chi.] Chi-Chi: Stick 'em up! This here is a robbery! [Chi-Chi pulls out a six-shooter from her gun holster and points it towards the other side of the stage. At this point, Faye steps out... but she's not dressed in cowboy duds. She's dressed up in her normal clothes.] (Whistling and cat calls can be heard from all over the room.) [Faye smiles and puts on a pair of purple-lensed sunglasses before pulling out her own six-shooter... from between her shoulder and her left armpit.] Faye: We're the Real Cowgirls! Get on the floor and no one will get hurt! (Chi-Chi whispers to Faye as Mondo shoots them a weird look from the other side of the stage.) [Jessie enters... dressed in her Team Rocket uniform.] Jessie: Prepare for trouble and make it double! Give us all your money... don't be a dummy! (The room fills with whistles and cat calls again... but there weren't as many as Faye had gotten. Chi-Chi, meanwhile, is now whispering to both Faye and Jessie.) [Jessie pulls out her own six-shooter and points it at the front row of the audience.] Jessie: If you know what's good for you, none of you in the audience will try anything funny. [With guns drawn, Chi-Chi and Faye walk over to the other side of the stage and approach the desk where Mondo is sitting. Chi-Chi easily rips away the plastic of the fake window and sticks her gun right in Mondo's face.] Chi-Chi: Give us all of the bank's money now... if you want to live. Faye: (standing next to Chi-Chi) And make it snappy! [Mondo reaches down to his right and picks up the plastic bags of yen. But as soon as he hands each one to Chi-Chi, she promptly tears the bags up, causing a mess of coins and bills to fall to the ground.] Mondo: (outraged) What was that for? I'm giving you the blasted money! [Chi-Chi pulls back the hammer on her gun, shutting up Mondo and causing him to gulp in fear.] Chi-Chi: You trying to screw us over or something? Faye: This is a Wild West skit, kid! We want American dollars! Chi-Chi: Go and get them now, or I'll blow so many holes into your head that it'll look like a chunk of swiss cheese. [Mondo nods and runs off the stage. Chi-Chi and Faye join Jessie and point their guns at the audience.] Chi-Chi: Like Jessie said, any of you in the audience dare try anything and I'll shoot that poor kid's head off! Faye: She'll do it! I know her! (spinning a finger beside her head) She's crrraaaazzzyyyy! [Chi-Chi turns towards Faye and points the gun at her.] Chi-Chi: (gritting her teeth) Mock me once more and see what happens to ya. [Faye steps back, in mock fright, but enough to look convincing. Jessie walks off, stage right, through the doors. Mondo reenters from stage left, carrying three plastic bags marked with dollar signs. He puts them up on top of the desk.] Mondo: Here! You happy? Chi-Chi: That's it? That's all you have? (turns to Faye) I thought you said this was the 1st National Bank of Baggerville! Faye: But it is! I checked the map at least twenty times before we left the hideout! Chi-Chi: Shouldn't this place have a lot of money? Mondo: This is a town with a population of 21. You expecting to walk out of here with the lottery or somethin'? Chi-Chi: (grabbing a bag) This is the last time we do one of your plans! Faye: (grabbing the other two) So this is all my fault? Chi-Chi: It's YOUR plan! Faye: But you're the one who said we should go ahead with it. It's your fault! [Jessie runs back onstage, in a panic. Chi-Chi and Faye turn to her as Jessie starts pointing out the door.] Jessie: The sheriff's on the way! He'll take us to jail for sure! Chi-Chi: Time to bail! Let's saddle up, girls! [Jessie and Chi-Chi, carrying one money bag, walk offstage immediately through the doors. Faye struggles to carry the other two bags as she drags them off.] [Lights fade to black.] Scene 2 [Lights go up again. The old Western door set is now on the left side of the stage. Mondo is pacing back and forth at the center of the stage.] Mondo: What am I going to do? All of the money... gone. Kiyone: (off-stage) Quit blabbering! We'll get them. [The sheriff steps onstage through the doors. To the audience's surprise, the sheriff isn't a man, but a woman. It's Kiyone, decked out from top to bottom in cowboy attire, including the leather vest, the red handkerchief tied around her neck, hip-hugging jeans, and a pair of white high-heeled cowboy boots. A yellow star pinned over her vest's left breast pocket signifies her as the town's sheriff.] Kiyone: I can't believe you let them get away, deputy. Mondo: What was I supposed to do, slap the gun out of her hand and headbutt her? Kiyone: Some deputy you turned out to be. Mondo: Inside the bank, I'm the town teller and bank manager. Outside, I'm your deputy, okay? Besides, how am I supposed to protect the bank without a gun? Kiyone: It's dangerous for someone your age to have a gun. Besides, the weapon I gave you is just fine. [Mondo pulls out a slingshot from his back pocket.] Mondo: What am I supposed to do, poke a guy's eye out? There's no way these three are going to be threatened by a peashooter. Kiyone: If you wanna be a hero, go find a boy genius who can accelerate your aging process. Until then, you're my deputy, so you'll live with the pea... I mean, slingshot. [Kiyone departs stage right. After a second, Mondo follows her off.] Mondo: If I get shot, I'm blaming you Kiyone, not this piece of crap... [Lights go out.] Scene 3 [Lights go up. On the right side of the stage is a large platform with a chair on it. The chair is facing away from the audience and into the darkness. Someone is sitting in the chair, but it's hard to see who it is. On the far right side of the platform is a small set of stairs. To the far left, a sign is standing on stage. It reads 'Cliff's End.'] Kiyone: (off-stage) This is the sheriff! Hands up! Jessie: (off-stage) You're not taking us alive! Chi-Chi: (off-stage) She's not taking us at all! Let's get going! [Sounds of horses galloping and gunshots fill the air for a few seconds. Then, all goes silent. A small bouncy ball, painted to look like a tumbleweed, is rolled onto the stage, bouncing along and going off the other end in no time. That is, until it hits the platform and bounces back in the direction of where it came from. The 'tumbleweed' runs out of steam and stops at center stage.] Jessie: (off-stage) Stupid tumbleweed! (A few audible laughs can be heard from the audience.) [Faye, Chi-Chi, and Jessie then walk out on stage, each of them straddling a broomstick. The bristled end is covered up by brown paper bags shaped like a horse's head. The other end has a cardboard tail glued on to it. The three women ride their horses to center stage and stop, where Jessie promptly kicks the errant tumbleweed out of sight, behind the platform.] Jessie: That dang sheriff won't get off our tail! What do we do? Faye: (noticing the sign) Cliff's End? Hey, I know somebody here that might be able to help us hide from her! Chi-Chi: (raising an eyebrow) He's not another cattle farmer, is he? Jessie: Your last 'somebody' made us sleep in the hay, next to those accursed, foul-smelling pigs of his! Faye: Trust me, this guy's special. He owns a bar in town here. [Faye starts to head for the small staircase, but she stops for a moment.] FAye: He'll let us hide with him. Trust me! I've hidden out with him before! Chi-Chi: That just makes me a whole lot more unsure of the whole thing. Jessie: Well, unless you want to go to jail, we dnn't have much of a choice. [Faye, Chi-Chi, and Jessie guide their 'horses' to the stairs, climb them, and then head to the mysterious figure sitting on top of the platform.] Faye: Yoo hoo! I'm back! And I need a place for me and my gang to hide real quick! [The figure doesn't respond as Faye and the others jump behind the platform to hide. At that exact moment, stage left, Kiyone and Mondo enter, also straddling 'horses.'] Kiyone: The town of Cliff's End, huh? Well, there's no other place they could go from here. Unless it was straight off the cliff. Mondo: So they must be hiding somewhere here, right? Kiyone: (sarcastically) Thank you, deputy of the obvious. (serious) We'd better find them quickly before they cause any more trouble. [Kiyone and Mondo ride off, disappearing stage right. Lights out.] Act 2 Scene 1 [As the lights come up on stage, a table is set up just to the left of center stage facing the right. A man dressed in a black tuxedo is sitting in a chair behind the desk. Faye is standing right in front of the desk, with Chi-Chi and Jessie behind her, sitting down in chairs themselves.] Faye: (pleading) I beg you Roger, please let us stay! Roger: The last time you stayed here with your rouge of bandits, you wrecked the place, got drunk beyond belief, and shot dead my favorite customer! Faye: I assure you that it won't happen again, Mr. Smith. Chi-Chi and Jessie are more refined than those hoodlums I was with before. We just need to stay here a day or two. Just until we get the law off of our backs. [Roger hops out of his chair and starts walking towards the left side of the stage. Faye runs after him.] Faye: Help us, goddamn it! It's not like we're asking for money or anything! Roger: (stops walking) Why would you? You just robbed a bank, didn't you? [Roger sighs in defeat, then walks offstage. Faye cheers happily as she hops back to the others.] Faye: I knew he'd give in! Jessie: Why doesn't that sound reassuring? Roger: (off-screen) You! The one with the red hair! Jessie: (standing up) What? [Jessie walks towards the left side of the stage, but then is stopped when a red colored dress is thrown in her face. She looks as if she's about to yell at him for doing so until she starts feeling the fabric on the dress.] Jessie: (happily) It's so soft! Roger: (off-stage) Try that one on. And tell Faye and the other girl to come here. I've got some dresses for them too. [Faye and Chi-Chi walk over to see what Roger's picked out for them. But the audience doesn't get to see them yet... as the lights fade out.] Scene 2 [As the lights go back up, the table is now at center stage, parallel with the curtains. On top of it are an assortment of empty beer and wine bottles. Two chairs are positioned in front of the table, partially facing towards the audience.] [Enter stage right, Faye and Chi-Chi, both dressed in beautiful and frilly, yet chest accenuating dresses (Faye in yellow, Chi-Chi in green). They both also seem to be walking very uncomfortably.] (Once again, the guys in the audience cheer on the fan service.) Chi-Chi: Why am I wearing green? (reaching for her back) And why am I wearing a corset? I'm too old for this sort of thing! Faye: (sucking her waist in) You learn to live with it. Chi-Chi: You mean you don't mind having your chest stick out? Faye: (shrugs her shoulders) Roger likes to play around with women that way. [As they talk, a gentleman wearing a straw hat and a muticolor poncho over his clothes enters and takes a seat at the table in the background.] Chi-Chi: (gasps) You mean men here are like that? Faye: Duh. This is the Wild West. Women back then, for the most part, were still just mere objects. And it's not like we can do anything about it. Roger: (off-stage) Jessie, take care of the customer at the bar, will ya? Jessie: (off-stage, cheerfully) Got it! Chi-Chi: (as Jessie appears) How come she doesn't have to wear a corset? [Jessie walks on stage towards the table in her red dress, which is similar in design to the dresses Faye and Chi-Chi are wearing... but her chest really doesn't stick out that much.] Faye: It's only 'cause she's small enough to fit in a dress without one. [Jessie walks up to the table and taps the man on the shoulder, who turns around to face her.] Jessie: I'm Jessie, your bar waitress for this evening... how may I serve you? Kiyone: (in a man's voice) How about a little fun before I drink? [The man grabs Jessie's arm and tries to reel her in close enough to grope her. Jessie screams for help... which sends Roger running in immediately.] Roger: Hey, get off of my waitress, you scumbag! [Roger grabs the man's arms and squeezes them until he lets Jessie go. Roger then drags the guy out of the seat and pushes him off the stage. Chi-Chi and Faye just watch the whole thing unfold, as Jessie runs over to Roger's side.] Jessie: Thank you for helping me, Mr. Smith! Roger: Huh? Oh, yeah. And just call me Roger. No need for the formal stuff, okay? Oh, and be careful. You never know what kind of trash could walk in here. [Roger then exits stage left. Chi-Chi and Faye, as best they can, walk over to Jessie's side.] Faye: Are you okay? Chi-Chi: If you want, we'll go out after work and shoot the guy. Jessie: It's okay. (sighs) Roger saved me. That's all that matters. [Faye and Chi-Chi look at each other confused, and then glance back at Jessie.] Faye: He just saved you from him because he wants to be the first to take a crack at you! That's the way he does things around here! Jessie: I don't know what you're talking about, but I don't want you lying about Roger anymore! Chi-Chi: Personally, Roger seems like a good guy. But I don't think that guy's right for you! Jessie: You can't tell me what to do! I love him! [Faye and Chi-Chi gasp in shock.] Chi-Chi: You can't be serious! Faye: With him? You must be joking. Jessie: He cares for me so much. The only explanation for it is that he cares about my safety. He loves me too. Faye: Great... now she's crazy. Not as cuckoo crazy as you Chi-Chi, but... Chi-Chi: (gritting her teeth) What did I say? Faye: (sweatdrops) I'm sorry! Chi-Chi: (crossing her arms over her chest) You're just lucky I can't blast you right now because I don't have my gun on me. Faye: Whew! So I get a bit of a reprieve... Chi-Chi: (grabbing Faye by the arms) Until we get off of work in an hour, that is. [Faye gulps as Jessie starts walking off of the stage.] Chi-Chi: Jessie, where are you going? Jessie: To the store. I'm going to buy something to show Roger how much I love him. [Jessie exits. Chi-Chi is about to follow her, so she releases her grip on Faye... but Faye strengthens hers on Chi-Chi.] Faye: Let her go. She'll be back. Besides, we've got work to do. [Lights out as Jessie and Faye exit, via stage left as well.] Scene 3 [Lights go up. A small stack of boxes sits on the left side of the stage. Mondo is hiding behind them. The man from the bar in the last scene appears, takes off the straw hat and slams it onto Mondo's head, tearing a hole right in the center. The man then takes off the poncho... and is revealed to be Kiyone.] Kiyone: Why do I even listen to you anyway? You're the deputy, I'm the sheriff! I'm the one who's supposed to be coming up with the plans around here! Mondo: But you never let me do anything! Kiyone: I can't believe you made me try to grope another woman! Not to mention the fact that the bar owner nearly beat the hell out of me! Mondo: But at least now you know they're all in there. Kiyone: What good would that have done if someone would've shot me right there and then? [Mondo takes off the now torn straw hat and tosses it aside. Kiyone then reaches into her pocket and pulls out a smaller version of her gun and gives it to Mondo.] Mondo: For me? Kiyone: Three-shooter. Not as powerful as a six, but given your age, that's all I could get. Mondo: (hugs Kiyone) Thanks! Kiyone: Don't mention it! (winks) Besides, I'm gonna need some back-up if these three don't give up. Mondo: You mean a shootout? Kiyone: Precisely. Here's how it'll work... [Kiyone begins whispering instructions to Mondo as the stage goes dark.] Scene 4 [Some time passes. As the lights go up, we see the bar again. It looks the same as before, only now there also two circular tables... one on each side. Roger is standing behind the bar, cleaning up now that the bar was closed. Jessie walks in from stage left, carrying a large white cardboard box.] Roger: Where'd you run off to? Don't tell me you left early to go shopping! Jessie: I was thinking that you wouldn't mind. Roger: Wouldn't mind? Jessie, you're one of my best servants and all, but that doesn't give you the right to choose when you leave everyday. [Jessie puts the box on the table and pulls off the lid. She reaches inside and takes out a tan-colored ten-gallon cowboy hat.] Jessie: Surprise! I bought it just for you! Roger: Jessie... I don't know what to say. Jessie: Just take it! It's a little gift that shows how much I care. Roger: Oh-kay... you feeling alright? Jessie: (happily) Never better! [Faye walks onto the stage, carrying a circle-shaped tray underneath her armpit.] Faye: Okay, I finished cleaning the tables. Can I get out of here now? I don't want you-know-who to get a chance to shoot me. Jessie: You called her crazy again, didn't you? Faye: Yes I did, and I'd like to live long enough to use the money we stole from that bank! Kiyone: (off-stage) Aha! I knew it! [Kiyone and Mondo walk on stage, both with their guns drawn, pointing at Faye, Roger, and Jessie.] Roger: What is the meaning of this? [Kiyone and Mondo, with their free hands, take out their badges.] Kiyone: I'm Sheriff Kiyone Makibi from Baggerville, and this is my deputy, Mondo Ooya. We're here to arrest the two women next to you and their other partner for robbing the 1st National Bank! Mondo: Now step aside or we'll take you in as an accomplice! [As the two officers put their badges away, they kept an eye on the trio. But at that exact moment, Chi-Chi comes on stage, with her gun in her holster. Upon spotting Kiyone, she reaches for her pistol. Kiyone does so as well. Already predicting the next move, Roger leaps at Jessie, knocking them both down just as Chi-Chi and Kiyone fire at the same time.] Faye: (barely dodging a shot) Aaaaahhhhh! [Chi-Chi runs to the circular table on her side of the stage as Kiyone mirrors her moves on the other side. Both women lift the table and put them on their sides, using the tables as shields from the gunfire. Mondo quickly hops over and joins Kiyone on the left side of the stage, as Faye runs in a panic over to the right side table.] Faye: (shouting) Couldn't you have waited until I had gotten out of the way? Chi-Chi: Let's just say I was trying to kill two birds with one stone. Faye: I can't believe you'd do that! [Chi-Chi pulls out another gun... which happened to be Faye's... and tosses it to her. She catches it, a bit confused as Chi-Chi peers around the table and fires a few shots before ducking back in. Kiyone and Mondo fire back several shots.] Faye: When did you get my... Chi-Chi: Was planning on stealing it so you couldn't have anything to defend yourself with. But I didn't expect the sheriff to show up. Faye: You weren't even gonna give me a chance, were you? Aren't we equal on this team or what? Chi-Chi: We'll talk about this later... we're in the middle of a gunfight, remember? [Kiyone and Mondo stop to reload, as Chi-Chi and Faye peer around their table and fire a few shots. During the whole routine, Jessie and Roger are still on the floor, with him on top of her. Neither dared to move.] Roger: Stay down! Jessie: Don't they know we're still here? [The gunfire stops briefly as Roger rolls off of Jessie. She then spots the hat she had bought about 15 feet away. She jumps up and makes a dash for it.] Roger: Jessie! [Gunfire erupts from both sides of the stage as several bullets hit her in the neck, chest, and back. She falls to the ground, as blood starts rushing out of her body.] Roger: JESSIE! [Oblivious to the ongoing gunfight for just a few seconds, Roger rushes to Jessie's side. But he too is shot several times: in the arms and in the back. He falls to the ground, right next to Jessie.] Jessie: (weakly) Roger... Roger: (gritting his teeth) Whatever happens, I just want to tell you that I care about you too. Jessie: (teary-eyed) Roger... [With that, Jessie passes out. The gunfire ceases temporarily to give both sides an opportunity to reload. Roger uses the opportunity to stop the fight.] Roger: STOP! [Kiyone, Mondo, Faye, and Chi-Chi slowly peer around the table and see Jessie and Roger down on the ground, both bleeding badly in the upper parts of their bodies.] Kiyone: Mondo, go find a doctor! Mondo: But... Kiyone: That's an order, deputy! Move! [Mondo runs off of the stage. Kiyone slowly approaches Jessie and Roger, keeping one eye on them and the other on Faye and Chi-Chi, who are also approaching slowly.] Roger: Stop playing around! Jessie needs help fast, or it'll be too late! [Kiyone returns her pistol to her holster, then runs over the last few feet to the two fallen humans. As Kiyone checks Jessie for a pulse, Roger tries to help, only to cough up some blood in the process.] Kiyone: Her pulse is weak. She doesn't have much time. [Chi-Chi puts her pistol away and runs over to help. Faye, with her pistol still pointed at Kiyone, doesn't move an inch.] Faye: Haven't you forgotten that she'll take us to jail? We've got to shoot her! Chi-Chi: It's over, Faye. Faye: Over? The squirt's gone... we can off her here and now! Chi-Chi: We either all live together or die together. That's the promise we made when we got together five months ago. And I'm making sure Jessie lives. Faye: (pointing her pistol at her head) The only way that I'm going to jail is if I'm dead. Chi-Chi: Fa... [Faye shoots herself in the head and collapses immediately.] Chi-Chi: FAYE! [Chi-Chi runs to Faye's side and shakes her to see if she's still alive. Faye doesn't respond at all. Meanwhile, Kiyone continues to check Jessie's vitals. But then Roger stops her, grabbing her arm.] Kiyone: Huh? [Roger reaches over and gives Jessie a quick peck on the lips. He then turns to Kiyone as his body begins to give out.] Roger: If Jessie manages to survive somehow... tell her that I love her too. [Kiyone nods as Roger lies down on the floor and dies. Kiyone stares at Roger's dead body for a few seconds before turning to Jessie's practically lifeless form. She then turns to the dead Faye, and then Chi-Chi, who is just kneeling next to Faye, not moving at all.] Chi-Chi: (holding her arms out) I give up, sheriff. There's no use trying to add another one of us to the casuality list. [Chi-Chi pulls her pistol out and places it on the floor before kicking it over to Kiyone. Chi-Chi then just stands there as Kiyone pulls out a pair of handcuffs and locks them around her wrists. Kiyone then gets behind Chi-Chi and pushes her off stage left. The lights go out and the curtain drops silently.]